Diary of A Mad, Interesting Woman

Welcome to the random (and sometimes ratchet) ramblings in my head about life, love and pop culture.

Tag: white women

I Don’t Know How She Does It

i dont know how she does it

Recently I was given an offer I couldn’t refuse: an executive position at an international public relations powerhouse with an impressive salary and a flexible work schedule.  I got the job on my terms, and in my field, that’s saying A LOT.  PR agencies are notorious for long hours, negative political cultures and conveniently void of minority senior talent.  Taking this job was a HUGE step for me.  I’ll explain why in a bit.

I started my own public relations business in 2010 after having my son so that I could make money and be available to my family.  Truth be told, my last agency job was an incredibly negative place that discriminated against mothers and black women.  So, as soon as I had a child, the heat was turned on.  It didn’t matter that I was out performing my peers and managing 4 different accounts with teams in 5 different states.  All that mattered was that I wasn’t blond, I wasn’t playing the game and I didn’t kiss ass.  I understand that corporate jobs require a bit of political finesse in order to make it.  You’ve got to “go along to get along”; but, I have a slight issue with that.  I’m a strong, smart, confident, articulate, assertive businesswoman.  If I were a white male, I’d be a young, hotshot CEO by now.  I’ve got bigger balls than most men and I ain’t afraid to whip ‘em out and smack you in the forehead with them if you get in my way.  I play nice, I play fair, but I play the effing game. Once you step into my court, even if I don’t win, you’re going to know you went to battle with me.  I leave scars.  A friend of mine said, “It’s like having PTSD.  I can still work, but I get the shakes and feel the need for anxiety medication if I think I’m in for another round with you.”  Yeah.  I’m a bad b*tch … but in a good way :-).

So, when my “style” and my dark skin and my kid and my “aggressive” behavior stopped working for my last agency, I struck out on my own.  I really wanted to dedicate myself to my son and I knew that I could pull in some good money by contracting my services.  Even if it wasn’t a lot of money, I’d still be able to contribute to the family.  I’m blessed because my husband’s job covers all of our expenses and our necessities.  My financial contribution to our family has always been our “extra” money like: the savings, vacations, extra curricular activities for Noah, etc.  You can imagine how those things dramatically shift when I don’t have money coming in.  Under Haley Communications, I worked like mad, was able to almost double my salary from my last agency and I did it all on my own.  There’s not a day that I don’t praise God for that blessing.

It’s been such a pride thing to start up my own shop and actually thrive, so when my business took a bit of a hit in 2012, I panicked.  Should I go back to work?  Should I give up the autonomy to do what I want to do with a project rather than trying to appease some idiot manager?  Should I put my son in school full-time rather than have him home with me two days a week?  Can I handle managing my household and working 50 – 60 hour weeks?  Can I?  Should I?

After much prayer, Hubby and I decided that the best thing for our family and me would be for me to return to work.  I still consult for clients with Haley Communications, but this job would give me the reach to whole new markets.  I was excited and scared all at the same time.  It’s not that I didn’t think I could do the job, but I’m responsible for more than just this one role.  I’m also a wife, mother, sister, daughter and best friend.  With those roles comes an awesome amount of responsibility and their own separate job description.  I wondered how I would serve each of those roles adequately without losing my freaking mind.  I literally began to doubt whether I could do it.  Hell, even my friends were giving me a doubtful side-eye glance.

According to the movie I Don’t Know How She Does It (and I imagine this must be true on some level) there’s a study which showed that 64% of women with small children don’t sleep through the night.  Why? Because at night, women all around the world do “the list”.  Here’s my list on any given night:

  • Plan this week’s dinner menu
  • Schedule a dentist appointment for me
  • Schedule a dentist appointment for Bryan
  • Schedule a doctor’s appointment for Noah
  • Finish Start the laundry
  • Fold the load in the dryer
  • Mop the kitchen floor
  • Clean out the cubby in the kitchen
  • Take down the Christmas decorations
  • Buy M&Ms for Noah’s art project
  • Buy pull-ups for Noah
  • Potty train Noah!!
  • Call my dermatologist
  • Order contacts
  • Clean the guest bedroom
  • Vacuum
  • Clean Noah’s toy corner
  • Take clothes to the drycleaner
  • Pick up clothes from the drycleaner
  • Clean the house (bathrooms, living room, kitchen and bedrooms)
  • Call Orkin
  • Get the estimate for the renovations
  • Call the contractor about upcoming projects
  • Schedule time with manager to discuss budget for client X, Y and Z
  • Delegate items A, B and C for client X’s project D
  • Schedule time with partner agencies to discuss ongoing initiatives in 2013
  • Learn client Y’s products
  • Draft content for client Z’s marketing magazine
  • Decide creation direction for client’s marketing materials
  • Draft two blog entries for Client X
  • Call husband and remind to … sigh … just do it yourself
  • Order Noah’s custom birthday party invitations
  • Retrieve kid’s names from school for invites
  • Address / Send birthday invites
  • Plan party menu
  • Research sitter / nanny services
  • Research housekeeping service
  • SEX! Jeez … have sex with husband
  • Wax … everything
  • Make hair appointment
  • Buy tampons
  • Get a manicure / pedicure
  • Schedule Noah’s birthday party and alert family
  • Buy suit for little brother in law school
  • Call BFF to get the download on her personal life/advise/love/release
  • Call to check on little brothers
  • Call mother
  • Call mother-in-law
  • Don’t smoke. Don’t buy cigarettes!!!
  • Go to the gym *inner laughter*
  • Tell Hubby to … ugh … who am I kidding?? Just do it yourself!
  • Noah’s crying … go check on the baby

Seriously.  This is the sh*t that goes through my head on any given night.  Not to mention that at some point in my crazy busy week it all has to get done.  Somehow I have to split myself into 5 or 6 different people to yield maximum results.  So … how does she do it, you ask?  She doesn’t.  Most weeks I achieve a small percentage of the things on my list.  And slowly, but surely, I’m learning not to beat myself up for it.

When I first had my son, it used to tear me apart that I couldn’t do it all.  In my mind, I saw my Mother do far more with far less and all on her own.  She never complained.  She never hinted that it couldn’t be done.  I saw her raise three kids alone with no money and we NEVER went without.  Somehow, she always came through.  With that example in mind, I set out to be the perfect wife and Mom.  I set out to be just like her.  I cleaned my own house, I cooked for my family every night, I served my husband on-demand *smile*, I worked 50 – 60 hour weeks, I nurtured my son and I was dying.  I was literally on the brink of a nervous breakdown.  The thought that I was failing at these tasks was tearing me apart.  I couldn’t fathom hiring someone to help because it felt like an admission that I can’t take care of my family.  I’m not woman enough to be all that I need to be to operate in this role.  The thought shattered me.

And then one day, God spoke through my friend, Julie Gaskin.  We were having one of our random weekly girlfriend lunches and I blurted it all out.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I buckled to the pressure.  I ranted about failing Bryan, my inability to be perfect, my lack of confidence and my fear that no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to please everyone or get everything done.  She touched my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “So what?”  I looked at her in amazement!  What the hell do you mean “so what!?!?”  She said with love, “You do an amazing job as wife and mother.  So what if you can’t clean the house and do all that other sh*t too?!  Hire a housekeeper.  Get a sitter.  Do whatever you need to do to reduce the stress in your life so that you can focus on the stuff that matters.”

I couldn’t take her words in at that moment, but today I totally get it.  Sometimes (like right now) the house is a mess and the Christmas decorations are still up and the baby is sick and the laundry is waiting. Sometimes you have to give your husband a quick noonday love session rather than an all night, Beyonce “Dance For You” fantasy fest.  Sometimes you need to sleep in rather than go to church (yeah … I said it).  Sometimes, you get to be imperfect.  And it’s okay.  You juggle, prioritize, and more importantly, you let yourself off the hook!  I realized that the only person putting pressure on me … was me!   I’m learning to give myself a break.  No more browbeating.  No more feelings of failure.  It’s time to celebrate the things I can accomplish in a week and praise God for the time given to complete the rest at another time.

As long as your family is feeling loved and your house hasn’t burned to the ground and the car is still running and the phone is still working and God blesses you with another day to check off a few things on that ridiculous list, count yourself lucky.  Life will be a crazy, unorganized mess, but it’s your mess.  And somehow, someway you’ll find a way through it.  Just like me.  Trust me. You’re not a failure simply because you’re not a magician.

God bless every working Mother out there.  And remember, while you’re busy wondering how to get it all done, everyone else is looking at you thinking, “I don’t know how she does it.”

All the best, AskThePRGirl

25 Things I’ve Learned About White Women From Reading Erotica

I dedicate this entry to my absolute favorite authors in this space: @E_L_James, @BethKery, @SylDay, @SylvainReynard, @SaraFawkes, @JenniferProbst, @Megan_Hart, @SC_Stephens_, @TinaReber and @JamieMcGuire_.  I have read each of your books over and over again with new zeal and discovery each time. Thank you for providing a fantasyland for an overworked Mom to escape.  Oh … and my Husband thanks you also 🙂

And to the one woman who encouraged me to make time for myself and read … My Sissy, @Celedon_Chic. You are my sunshine …

25 Things Blog

I love white women. Perhaps not the way a “Polo wearing, golf playing, sweater around the shoulders, country club membership” black dude loves white women, but I do have a great appreciation and respect for them. They are among the most cultured, sophisticated and politically savvy people in existence. I don’t think there’s anything they can’t do. I believe they come out of the womb knowing how to throw a good dinner party and give a solid BJ. And how can you not respect a woman who can do that?! Epic. Mad respect.

I’ve grown up in a predominantly white environment my entire life. Since the age of 10, I’ve lived in predominantly white neighborhoods, attended white schools (including college) and even went to a majority white church until I was 16.  Even my best friends (and still most cherished relationships) as a kid were white so needless to say, I felt pretty confident that I’ve been schooled in the thoughts and methods of this mythical creature. They are extremely loving, giving and when it comes to having a good time … you don’t know partying until you’ve experienced it with them. I have woken up with my false eyelashes on my bare naked foot after a night with one of my white GFs. Meanwhile, this heifer is fully dressed, making coffee and looking like she just stepped out of an issue of Sorority Girl Today. I’m thinking, “How does she do that?!?” Magic. It happens in the womb. You’d think white women were God’s chosen people instead of the Jews. Maybe He just likes them a whole lot. I dunno.  Oh, and don’t make her mad because she will go to work on you … and then she’ll go to work on you.  You’ll end up jobless, manless and bitter while she sips by the pool and thinks, “Pity. She should’ve quit while she was ahead.”  I’ve seen it happen.  My girls don’t play!

After years and years and several special relationships, I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about them … until this year. By popular demand, I read E. L. James’ infamous Fifty Shades of Grey series, which literally sent me down a rabbit hole chasing books in the same genre. Why? Because not only was I getting a glimpse into their sexual fantasies (something they NEVER discuss publically because it’s in very poor taste), but it’s as if I was catching an intimate glimpse of they’re inner thoughts about themselves, life and love. At first I started to discount it as a European thing because you know those folks have VERY evolved ideas around human sexuality; but, as I continued to find more and more authors like Beth Kery (one of my ABSOLUTE faves … no one is more deliciously dirty than my girl Beth), Sylvia Day, Sara Fawkes and Sylvain Reynard it was clear that this isn’t simply a foreign thing.  I mean … the Fifty Shades phenomenon has conservative American, sterling silver tea set, Martha’s Vineyard vacationing women reading erotica out in public.  Hell, I went to have my Mercedes routinely serviced a few weeks ago and THREE individual women were reading erotica right before my eyes in the waiting room! Wanna talk about mind blowing?! Consider my brain evaporated.

Upon further research of several different books, which my husband has thoroughly enjoyed, I began to see themes.  And after many glasses of wine with my Sissy @Celedon_Chic, it hit me.  By God, I believe I’ve learned at least 25 things about white women that hadn’t occurred to me before.  Some of the realizations were simple “oh yeah, that makes sense” thoughts.  Others were, “WOW. Really?!”  Even more astonishing, and perhaps a bit comforting, was that their desires and fantasies aren’t too different from my own.  Actually, they really are my own.

So … here are 25 Things I’ve Learned About White Women From Reading Erotica:

1. They love wealthy men.  Not rich. Wealthy.  I’m talking he must own part of a major metropolitan city, jets (plural), clubs (plural), small people and politicians.  It’s sort of like that old saying, “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets.” Well, that’s what my Anglo sisters fantasize about. An extremely wealthy man who is pleasing and very well behaved in public and gets VERY dirty at home … and in elevators … and pools … and boathouses … and boats … and … well, you get the picture.

2. While the man must be wealthy, they don’t like to feel like a gold digger.  It’s very important that he understands that his money is HIS money and they are not with him because of the money … even though it’s a required prerequisite.  Very peculiar.

3. Her man must be well equipped in the *ahem* pants areas. I’m talking long, strong, take a hit of a freshly rolled joint before recreation activity can begin.  She wants to see it and pause.  A good … long … pause.

4. Her man must be in pristine physical condition.  An Adonis.  A Greek god.  A literal deity in physical form.  So beautiful that he makes her feel a bit self conscious about her own appearance.

5. While the Adonis she is dating makes her feel self conscious about her appearance, she’s actually the perfect woman.  Perfect hair.  Perfect body.  Perfect … everything.  So perfect in fact that he’s never seen a woman like her that was able to turn his head AND keep his attention.

6. She and ONLY she beguiles her man. So much so that he can no longer see other women.  Can’t imagine what another woman could have that would be more intoxicating than what she provides.  So … basically her man doesn’t cheat.  Ever.  Why? Because she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and has platinum between her legs … even if she’s a virgin.  Mad. Respect.

7. She has confidence / self-esteem issues. She never feels pretty. She has to be reassured that she in fact is beautiful even though she just happens to be the most beautiful girl in the room.  Every man wants her.  Every woman wants to be her. And even though she has a PERFECT body, breasts and hair in EVERY book, she’s oblivious to the point. I don’t get that.  Hear me and hear me good, people.  I DON’T NEED NOBODY TO TELL ME THAT I’M THE HOTTEST THANG WALKING THIS PLANET. It’s nice when others notice, but please believe when you do notice, you’re catching on to something I already know. Ya heard me?

8. She likes to be dominated and yet assert her independence.  She likes when he’s aggressive in the bedroom and even outside to a certain extent, but when he crosses this invisible line in her head, all bets are off.  In my opinion, the dumbest arguments arise from this very issue.  It’s sticky to tell a man, “control me, but don’t control me.” But … I digress.

9. She loves the “F” word.  LOVES it.  Enough said.

10.She loves the “P” word.  It’s literally printed in Beth Kery’s Wicked Burn 64 times.  64 TIMES!  I counted on my Kindle reader app.  Now, maybe this is just a dirty little fantasy for my girl Beth, but I’ve literally read it in these books more than I’ve seen my own … *ahem* P.  I’m 33.  I’ve seen my own a healthy number of times.  Perhaps not more than the aesthetician that waxes me, but I’m aware of what’s going on down there.

11.She likes dirty talk. Ok … not dirty.  Filthy.  The filthier the better.  I’ve read things that have literally made ME blush (and smile wickedly).  Like … put the book down a moment and stare into space to let it sink in.  There is a scene in Sylvia Day’s Bared to You that literally … I mean … the things Gideon says and does to Eva sometimes just … woo child.

12. She’s into sex toys.  I’m talking things I’ve never even heard of and surely wouldn’t know what to do with if I came across it.  For that, Hubby and I would like to thank E.L. James and Google.

13.She is open to BDSM.  Don’t know what that is? I suggest Google.  I will say that some of the stuff I read sounds really painful.  Painful enough that I’d probably slap the whole sh*t out of my Hubby if he suggested it, or introduced it without permission but, it does make for an interesting read.

14.She loves classical or eclectic music while having sex. That’s only peculiar to me because I typically don’t associate sex with classical music.  It’s good music for reading or quiet meditation.  But sex??  I prefer a good rhythm and blues playlist. I need a man begging, or confessing his love, or confirming what’s about to go down in the room to a sexy guitar or an 808.  You know, stuff like that.  It’s just a preference.  Perhaps I need to look into a little Bach to get down with the get down.  *shrugs*

15.They have insatiable sexual appetites and don’t seem to ever get tired … or sore. I’m telling you, some of those times Christian climbed on Ana in Fifty Shades I would have had to tell him to find something else to do.  Surely with all the money that you have, there must be a hobby lurking around here that you can turn your attention to.  My precious needs to rest.  Please and thank you.

16.When venturing into unknown territory, like a salacious, toe-curling sexual relationship, someone she trusts must validate her feelings/decisions.  Typically a girlfriend or gay boyfriend.

17.Her friends are always her polar opposite.  If she’s quiet, awkward and demure (as she most often is in these stories), her friends/confidents are vivacious, brave and unbridled.

18.She loves her mother, but often make drastically different life choices.  And, generally in the stories I read, she’s always a daddy’s girl.  THIS I love.

19.She loves a man who can speak without speaking.  He speaks with his eyes, with his hands and with his body.  WHOLE conversations are happening in these fantasies and very few words are spoken.  Lots of “ohs”, “ahs” , “shhh” and “please”, but not much more.

20.She is fixated on a sexy head of hair. Nothing like when her guy runs his hands through a perfect head of hair in frustration or as a prerequisite to some dirty interlude.  Either way, it drives her wild!

21.Having sex with a complete stranger isn’t always just a wild fantasy. Of course this could simply be Beth Kery’s fantasy, but this theme exists in many books. Perhaps not a complete stranger, but it doesn’t take several dates to get into her pants. No judgment. Just an observation. I went to college. I understand how this can happen. Again, Europeans are light-years ahead of the US when it comes to sexual themes and sexual choices. I consider American white women the new age, worldly woman of the States.

22.She is often betrayed by her own genitalia. When a man controls her body, there is always an instantaneous pull and/or reaction in the groin area. Think Ana/Christian in Fifty Shades or Eva/Gideon in Bared to You. How often does she feel that “familiar pull” down nether which betrays what she actually wants to do? She wants to talk or leave or fight, but with one look from him she is rendered unable to make the choice her mind wants. OR did she really just get what she actually wanted all along?!? These women are Jedi masters. Who knows?

23.She has a great career with endless possibilities. She’s a Dante scholar-to-be studying at Harvard, an Art Historian / Curator at the Chicago Metro Museums of Fine Art, Book Editor for up and coming publishing house. The list goes on and on.

24.When participating in a life altering, sexual / love relationship, she constantly doubts the viability of it.  It’s not enough that he’s perfect, she’s perfect and they both live in perfect worlds.  No, something is going to tear it ALL apart at any moment.  Something is going to stop her from having this dream life that she doesn’t deserve.  Yeah … she can get real Harlequin Romance / Scarlett Ohara on ya on a moment’s notice.

25.There appears to be very few pops of “color” in her world … outside of her wardrobe.  *side eye glance*

Every point doesn’t apply to EVERY woman.  These are simply themes that are heavily present in EVERY book I’ve read. Perhaps it simply makes for good reading.  BUT … it does make one think.  If ALL of these stories carry the same theme and the erotic genre is gaining popularity, wouldn’t that say that these ideas and fantasies are present in a majority of white women?  Yes!  And while I’ve enjoyed erotica featuring black stories from authors like Zane and Eric Jerome Dickey, I must say it’s been interesting to take a peek behind the veil of my Anglo sisters.  Very interesting, indeed.

Laters baby (and happy reading), AskThePRGirl