Diary of A Mad, Interesting Woman

Welcome to the random (and sometimes ratchet) ramblings in my head about life, love and pop culture.

Tag: sex

#MeToo??

*image not owned by AskThePRGirl; sourced via metoomvmt.org

Examining the Swinging Pendulum from Consent to Sexual Assault through the Lens of “Being Leaned On”

Over the last few weeks, my girlfriends and I have engaged in DEEP conversation about the #MeToo movement and it’s juxtaposition to sexual assault in dating. It has beautifully evolved into a self-examining discovery about the swinging pendulum of extremes between consent and sexual assault. We, of course, used our own personal experiences to define what merits the label of assault, but more importantly, gain understanding around that tricky, muddy area in between the extremes. Interesting, albeit unsurprising, fact: we’ve ALL experienced a date that led to the proposition of sex and felt pressure to acquiesce to the unspoken, pressure-filled invitation. Even more interesting: if we ALL recognize the subtle, nonverbal pressure to have sex, why is it seemingly so hard for men to equally pick up on the subtle, nonverbal cues women give when not interested in “going all the way”? We realized that much of the confusion can be cleared if we could first get to the bottom of how we feel about “being leaned on” (shout out to my big sis T and big bro C for coining that phrase). It’s the only way we could begin to cut through our own confusion in defining sexual assault versus a bad date. And, let’s be honest: we live in the 21st century. The age of information. A time when men and women are more empowered and informed than ever before. The fact that we are still confounded about how to have healthy, casual sexual experiences with each other is just f*cking ridiculous. Perhaps this is why God meant for sex to be reserved only for husband and wife … but, that’s another conversation for another day, Chile.

So, what IS “being leaned on”? We’ve all been there. You go out with a guy and have a great date. You decide to take things back to his or your place to hang out in private. He proceeds to non-verbally petition for “the cookie” by taking each allowance of touch one step further than the last and placing assumed, non-threatening pressure on you to have sex. If you really like him, you like the lean. You appreciate the pursuit because what woman doesn’t want to feel like she’s being chased? Even if you tell him “No” and he leaves in defeat to rise and try another day, you both know that the ultimate act is a foregone conclusion as long as he doesn’t do anything in the meantime in between time to f*ck it up. The lean is a real part of the dance. Its intent is not to remove your choice, but it sends a clear message that if you give even an inch, he’s going to ride you for a mile. It’s that exciting cat and mouse game that’s played in the pursuit of sex.

But what happens when you’re not THAT into the guy? I mean, you like him. He’s nice. Cute even (like the last puppy at the pound). He’s educated and got a little money (yep, it matters #sorrynotsorry). He showed you a good time. Conversation was good. You don’t mind a kiss or nonsexual touch here and there. You even feel comfortable enough to take the date back to his or your place because you DID have fun. The attraction is there albeit not intensely physical. When THAT guy starts to lean on you and you respond with subtle, nonverbal cues of discomfort, and the night ends in sex or any type of sexual act, were you assaulted? I mean, you made it clear (in your mind) that you didn’t really want to go “all the way”, but you never said “No”. You only vaguely and imperceptibly demonstrated your discomfort and you did not make it crystal clear that you didn’t want sex. And, to complicate matters even further, you did acquiesce to participate in some overtly sexual acts along the way. You leave not feeling the best about him, yourself or how things went down. But, the question remains: were you assaulted?

Admittedly, my girlfriends and I have all solicited and positioned sex as an option during a date with a guy that we didn’t know that well via flirting, nonverbal cues of implied intimacy (e.g. being alone in his car, his home, etc.) and willingly participating in that heavy “lean on” session that invites the unasked question, “So … we gonna?” In each of our experiences, there were times when we felt quite comfortable saying “nah”; but, there were others when we felt that based on the intimacy of the moment, how far things had progressed, the lack of established relationship trust with our partner, our own guilt about letting things slide too far, the fear of being labeled a tease, the fear of in-the-moment retaliation, and all of the other fifty-leven things that goes through a woman’s head when she’s deciding to share the cookie, that it was best to acquiesce to minimize unforeseen aggression or avoid the potential undesired act of having the cookie taken after having served it up in the first place.

If a woman makes the choice to acquiesce because she was being leaned on, but the experience is absent of any tangible threat to her person (though perceived threats from nonverbal cues are something to consider), absent of feeling unsafe and absent of verbalizing discomfort or refusal to participate, has she been sexually assaulted? Is the man singularly wrong for failing to sense and/or respect her discomfort? Even if the cues are all over the place? Do men carry greater responsibility and culpability because they are the physically stronger thereby automatically perceived as a threat? Is the implicit pressure of “being leaned on” inherently assault, but ONLY when you’re not into each other? Or, is it always assault? Can a woman “lean on” a man? Has HE been assaulted if he acquiesces for fear of having his manhood questioned? What is the process for facilitating a healthy, non-threatening, consensual sexual experience? Add in the thousands of other situational nuances and you can begin to see why we are all so confused.

Let’s think about it this way: “being leaned on” IS in fact pressure and the term “pressure” doesn’t have positive association. From peer pressure to blood pressure, I think it’s fair to say that “pressure” doesn’t get good PR. It conjures feelings of tension, burden and stress. Can you identify any healthy, consensual sexual experience that’s initiated with pressure? Yeaaaaaah … see what I mean? This sh*t is layered. But I digress …

I have thoughts about each of the questions posed above based on my own experiences, but I’m more interested in what you think. I also want to be sensitive to the women and men who have experienced the “lean gone wrong”. Here are a few thought/conversation starters that I believe that could begin to clear the way to personal resolve:

  • USE YOUR WORDS, PEOPLE. We say it to toddlers all the time. A child could be standing in front of you completely wildling out and pointing directly at the toy they so desperately want, and still we make them verbalize the request. If you don’t want to have sex, nonverbal cues aren’t enough. Conversely, why not ask for the cookie versus leaning on a chick to get it? Wouldn’t you rather be clear that the act is consensual? Besides, if preferences and/or decisions to STOP are verbalized and it’s refused, you’ve just answered your sexual assault question. One of my old tricks: when going over to his place and only wanting to fool around a little with NO sex, I confirmed if he would respect that. Ten times out of 10, his answer told me ALL I needed to know about whether I’d be safe with him because there is absolutely no ambiguity to that question. AND, if he lies about being cool to fool around a little just to get you over there, and refuses to respect your boundaries after things get going, you’ve again just passed “GO” and went straight to sexual assault.
  • BEWARE OF PASSIVE NONVERBAL CUES. If you go on a date with a guy and you let him pick you up, drive you to the location of your date and bring you home, you’ve just sent a LOT of nonverbal messages of trust to this person. He now knows where you live. You trusted your body / being to be safe in his care as he drives. You allowed him to return you home with “the lean” likely starting on the drive back. If there’s making out, under clothes touching and kissing, etc., those are also pretty clear nonverbal cues that you’re into the scene. Seems like it’s no big deal, but it’s a message nonetheless. It certainly shouldn’t imply to either person that sex is a foregone conclusion, but if we’re honest, those cues can confuse. Just a realization from my own personal experience. I was taught to never be alone with a man, enter into his personal space (his car, his home) or allow him into mine unless I was certain about the passive agreement those subtle, but real cues solicit. Safety first. Always. Earning and discerning trust starts from date one.
  • MEN MUST BE PRESENT IN THE ROOM. As I analyzed my dating experiences and shared them with my husband, he shared wisdom that hit me as brilliance. He told me that a man’s ultimate responsibility when initiating, pursuing and/or participating in sex is to create an environment of safety for his partner. Be present in the room. That means, at all times she should know that she absolutely has a choice to leave or stop at any moment. She should feel and sense that her pleasure and her comfort are paramount to an equally enjoyable experience. She should know that he isn’t just chasing ejaculation, but rather experiencing something incredible WITH her. Sex isn’t something you do TO someone. It’s an act you experience WITH someone. No matter how casual, respect your partner. He shared that too many guys are chasing the end result which removes the heightened sense of awareness they should activate in order to ensure their partner is comfortable. As the physically stronger sex, setting that tone is critical if a man’s intention is that you both share the desire to engage in the experience. Cause “ain’t no real man tryna have sex with a woman who don’t want it!” He even shared that frequent, soft-spoken check-ins are the responsible thing to do ESPECIALLY when the experience is casual and your relationship isn’t deep enough to make any assumptions. Strategically placed “feel good, you cool and keep going?” were some of my faves from him in the early days ;-).

In the end, my hope as this #MeToo moment of accountability takes shape and births a new era of sexual responsibility, is that we, women, don’t use this as an opportunity to unnecessarily victimize ourselves, vilify our men or appropriate the issue thereby maligning the bravery of real victims. That we don’t use this conversation to move farther apart. My hope is that this moment opens the door to conversation and revelation by taking a long, hard look at the personal and cultural nuances that exist in defining the extremes and bringing clarity to all that lies between. The clear cut assaults are open and shut cases that are easy to identify and morally convict. It’s those experiences smack dab in the middle that are harder to figure out (#IMHO). I think we owe it to each other to talk it about. Let’s figure it out. I have a daughter and son who will sooner than I care to admit venture into this arena. I need to be prepared in order to prepare them and I can’t get to a level of understanding, awareness and resolve alone.

So, can we talk about it? Can we talk about the ambiguity of “being leaned on” and where it skews in the swinging pendulum of defining consent? No shaming. No blaming. No accusations. No anger. No guilt. Let’s leverage our personal experiences and core beliefs to draw us closer to understanding. Hell, we’re already in bed. We might as well talk about it.

Love you. Mean it.

@AskthePRGirl

Shout out to T, N and E for being incredible midwives as this topic was birth from my spirit. Thank you for encouraging me as I struggled to articulate my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your truth and helping me to see beyond myself. I love you.

And to my Husband – Thank you for being you, for listening to experiences with “other dudes” and providing level-headed, unbiased wisdom from a man’s POV.

And to my Mama – Thank you for the rules. They weren’t given to you when you were coming of age, but somehow you were able to give them to me. That guidance led me to smarter choices.

#theLEMONADEeffect

bey

So … it’s been roughly five days since Queen Bey dropped #LEMONADE and completely flipped my world upside down. Am I the only one out here completely caught off guard by the levels to this sh*t?! Like … it’s day five and I’m still catching new messages, hearing new undertones and experiencing new feelings.

And let’s be clear – it’s been on REPEAT since the moment she released it. I’ve not listened to terrestrial radio, not a nan CD or iPod (yes “nan” … it’s in the urban dictionary) or satellite radio. I’ve been ALL BEYONCE, ALL DAY since Saturday, 4/23 at 10pm. And … I’m amazed. Like for real. Eff if you think Jay cheated or if she’s talking about her Mom and Dad’s story or if you think it’s marketing bullsh*t to sell records. It’s brilliant. It’s deep on the struggle. The struggle of being a woman. A woman in love. A black woman. A proud woman. Even if you think it’s bullsh*t, isn’t it crazy how it has reached deep into the belly of damn near every woman out there (including those who aren’t black) and stirred up this sense of HELL YEAH, I’M HERE?!  And YES, I might be a little crazy. And YES, I might be a little wild. And YES, I love hard. And YES, I deserve you to recognize me. See me. Hear me. Love me. Own me. Claim me. And IF you refuse to do those things, to recognize those things and be cool with them, know that I am strong enough to survive you. Strong enough to thrive beyond you. And let’s be clear, that’s not just in the context of relationships. She’s talking about life. How women are perceived at work, at home and in society. How blacks are perceived in society. And how the solution to all of this struggle, all of this strife is to see one another. Acknowledge one another. Love one another. Embrace one another and be open to the complication it brings. There is redemption to be found there. There is healing there. There is a fresh anointing there.

Levels man …

Bey showed us levels.

If you can’t see that, I’m sad for you. If you can’t hear her, I’m sad for you. Whether you’re a fan or not, you’ve got to give nod to the deep saturation of profound thought behind the lyrics. The social themes. It’s crazy!!

I’ve actually cried several times through the album. Thankful for the place and space I operate within my life, but also grieving a place and space I didn’t even realize needed to be grieved. Grieving the dry lands and constant mirages I face as a black woman in Corporate America. Grieving the loss of past love.  And then simultaneously crying joyous tears for the love and overwhelming happiness I feel daily. The redemption God has blessed me to experience. The “exceeding abundance” He’s given me in life. My family. My children. My beautiful husband. My thriving career. My girls. My guys. Not to be cliché but, “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.” And I honestly feel like #LEMONADE bubbled it all to the surface and gave me … release. A deep sigh. A blessed recognition. I feel … seen. Heard. Not in the way I feel it with God (not trying to say that), but like someone collected every woman’s inner thoughts and emotions, and gloriously exposed our heart. Maybe that’s it. It’s a crazy take on a new age love note. One to us. One to this country. One to our loves (past, current and future). I dunno … I’m still processing.

Levels …

Welcome to the world of a woman. A black woman. And while the struggle is real, the journey is beautiful. Complicated. Necessary. And this my friends, is the #theLEMONADEeffect.

#selah

Love you. Mean it.

AskThePRGirl

us

Today, a good friend asked via Facebook, “Why is marriage hard?” She wasn’t asking to be funny. She really wants to know. She’s single, beautiful, worldly and beginning to consider the idea of a covenant. Honestly, more single people should consider marriage this way and seek to understand its nuances. Well, I don’t think there […]

Whore

scandal

Let me start by saying I struggled with this entry for a few reasons.  For one, I didn’t know what to call it.  I juggled with “The Gray Area” and “Glass Houses”.  I even thought I might simply call it “Scandal” since that was my inspiration, but I settled on what inflamed me and pushed me to write.  I also struggled because I don’t want to come off too … too … “preachy”.  One of the reasons I blog is because I want YOU, my beloved readers, to take a look at the other side of the line.  We often draw them in our lives most times without even knowing it.  But our ability to stretch ourselves to see the other side, to try to understand the common denominator in this human experience is really what helps us to grow.  I never want to push my own agenda down your throat.  I simply want you to take a moment and consider things differently.  And so I struggled.  Because I do feel preachy and vehemently on one side of this issue, but my hope is that you hear my point and simply consider it.  That’s all.

Over the past two years, much like the rest of the world, I have become obsessed with Shonda Rhimes’ new hit television series, Scandal.  Thursdays literally can’t come around fast enough in my home.  We count down the days until it arrives with day-after-day commentary on what Shonda’s gonna do next!  Not to mention the social media conversations we’re involved in. When I say “obsessed” I mean this show has completely eclipsed all other television experiences in my world.  It’s beautifully scripted and has such a smart cast that weekly turn in amazeball performances.  I’m coo coo for cocoa puffs over Scandal!

Every day I participate in email banter with a few friends from college.  It’s our way of getting through the workday, catching up on each other’s lives and discussing entertainment hot topics.  Recently, Scandal was the topic of conversation and I was shocked to silence by the commentary.  My email buddies (both male and female) were joking around about the salacious relationship between Olivia Pope (the series main character) and her love interest Fitz (the very married President of the United States).  They traded comments back and forth about Olivia and discussed her behavior.  They made fun of the fact that she was sleeping with another woman’s husband. They casually called her “H-Olivia”.  Fitz was championed as some kind of eighth wonder of the world. A stud. A pimp.  A man whose actions commissioned virtual hi-fives and “you da man” kudos.  Olivia was simply a whore.

I read it and was still.  I hate that word (and I don’t use the word hate lightly).  I detest the ease in which the label is used to too easily summarize a woman’s sexual choices when they conflict with some abstract, antiquated view that you learned during a f*cking after school special in 1982.  I hate the way a woman’s sexual choices are scrutinized to the point that if she isn’t living the life of a nun, she’s automatically the antithesis. No ifs, ands or buts.  No gray area.  Just an automatic assessment that if a woman sleeps with the wrong person, she’s a whore.  A freaking whore, people?!

I abhor it. I can’t stand it.  It. Makes. Me. MAD. Can you tell?

I’m not sure most people even know the actual definition of the word.  I believe we have replaced it’s original meaning with our own colorful, societally enhanced, MTV infused version.  So, let’s define it.  How does good old Merriam-Webster define the term “whore”?

Definition of WHORE

1: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money: prostitute; also : a promiscuous (composed of all sorts of persons or things; not restricted to one class, sort, or person; not restricted to one sexual partner) or immoral woman

2: a male who engages in sexual acts for money

3: a venal (capable of being bought or obtained for money or other valuable consideration): purchasable; especially : open to corrupt influence and especially bribery) or unscrupulous person

So … considering her actions, and even more important, the context in the situation, does Olivia truly fit this label?

Listen, I’m no feminist.  This isn’t my virtual method of holding color posters and chanting on the corner of my state capitol building to bring awareness for this particular women’s right issue; however, the quickest way to cook my grits is to haphazardly label a woman a whore because you don’t agree with her life choices.  We live in a highly sexualized, reality-television driven, morally void, buffoonery-rampant world where people clap and laugh about things that should drive us to shock and awe every day.  How is it that in all of the crazy that has clearly desensitized our value system we are still able to look at a clearly complicated relationship situation and simply deduce that the woman, NOT THE PAIR ONLY THE WOMAN, involved is a whore?!

Here’s the thing.  I don’t agree with Olivia’s choice to sleep with Fitz.  Let me repeat for those of you loosely holding the Bible you defy daily, “I DO NOT AGREE WITH OLIVIA’S CHOICE TO CARRY ON AN AFFAIR WITH A CLEARLY MARRIED MAN.” Did you hear me? Okay … moving on.  I also do not believe her choice to sleep with him makes her a whore.  In my opinion, her choice says more about her self worth than her morals.  She doesn’t see that she deserves to be someone’s one and only.  She doesn’t see that there should never be a choice between her and someone else.  She doesn’t see that she is worth more than a brief moment by the window, a quiet moment in the hallway, a glance when no one’s looking and heavy breathing over the phone at night.  She doesn’t see it. She just doesn’t.

And can you blame her?

How many of you have listened EVERY time a man lied to you and slept with him anyway? How many of you allowed him to pick that fight with you knowing good and damn well he was going to carry his ass to the next woman’s house THAT NIGHT? How many times have you told yourself that the relationship would get better? How many times have you allowed yourself to be disappointed even though everything in your being is telling you to walk away? How many lies have you told yourself to keep believing? What did he tell you to get you to come back? What did he say to make you think things would be different?  How did you square it with your soul knowing NOTHING would change?  What did you tell yourself so that you could sleep at night?  Remember when you pulled out that sad ass R&B album and put Tamia’s “Officially Missing You” on repeat feeling like the ONLY thing that could right the wrong of his absence is his voice … his touch … his presence?  How many tears have your cried? How many times have YOU spread eagle hoping your “sweet stuff” would be the cherry on your “I’m about to land this man” sundae?  How many people have you slept with? How many secret conversations or flirtations have you participated in because someone at the office or in the Starbucks line is giving attention that your husband or significant other has long stopped giving?  How many times have you batted your eyelashes to get out of a ticket, get an extra dollop of whip cream on your iced mocha or conjure a free cocktail while out at the club?  How many times have you laid down and given your body to someone you KNOW is not your forever?

Someone unworthy of you …

Someone who knew just the right thing to say …

Someone who somehow speaks to that place deep inside that no one else can reach …

Someone that makes you forget …

Someone that makes you forgive …

Someone who silences your subconscious …

Someone whose force is bigger than anything and everything your soul has ever connected with  …

Even. Though. It’s. Wrong.

He or she among you without sin, please step forward and throw the first stone.

I’m not going to lie to you.  If I were Olivia and was in love with Fitz and he’s saying all of the right things and I’m feeling this incredible, soul stirring level of emotion that no other person has been able to commission in my being, I can’t lie and say that my choice would be different from hers.  I’d be wrong.  Completely morally wrong.  But I can’t say that I’d be strong enough to walk away and seek my worth given the circumstances.

Years ago I was in a relationship that was much like Olivia’s relationship with Fitz if you take away his devastatingly good looks, his position of power, his swag and … his wife.  I loved this man.  I would do anything for him.  For me, matters were complicated even further because he was my first … everything.  The first man I gave my heart, soul and body to.  What I received in return was lies and complications.  Things between us would be SO good until they were almost unbearably bad.  And they were bad ALL the time.  But, I loved him.  He could have told me the sky was purple and I would’ve fought anybody who told me he was crazy.  I knew he was no good for me.  He cheated on me repeatedly and would create fights to make his indiscretions my fault.  Somewhere in my mind, I knew he was no good for me, but I couldn’t find the strength to leave him.  I was worried that he’d “straighten up and fly right” (as my Grandma would say) with the next woman.  I was afraid that he was all I deserved.

One night I literally sank to my knees in the shower and prayed while sobbing.  I told God that if He didn’t show me the path to leave, that I would never go.  I wasn’t capable of choosing what was right.  I prayed that He would give me the wisdom to see (and seek) my true worth.  I prayed that He would send me the “forever guy” and give me the wisdom to identify him.  Two weeks later, I met my husband … and thankfully, I was strong enough to let go of my reckless past.

I bare that part of my soul because it’s important to understand that the “gray” area in life is real and common.  I know we like to believe the covenant of marriage makes it very black and white, but sadly it doesn’t.  And it’s presence (i.e. marriage) certainly doesn’t make “the other woman” involved a whore. Adulterous. Yes.  Immoral. Yes.  Absent of self worth? Definitely. A whore?! GTFOH.

Again, my goal is to simply share that it’s never THAT simple. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t clear lines of right and wrong, but the circumstances should move you to compassion not a hollow and cruel dismissal.

Seriously … considering the points I’ve made … and your own experiences … are you a whore?  Hmm … it’s probably not that simple, is it?

All the best, AskThePRGirl

25 Things I’ve Learned About White Women From Reading Erotica

I dedicate this entry to my absolute favorite authors in this space: @E_L_James, @BethKery, @SylDay, @SylvainReynard, @SaraFawkes, @JenniferProbst, @Megan_Hart, @SC_Stephens_, @TinaReber and @JamieMcGuire_.  I have read each of your books over and over again with new zeal and discovery each time. Thank you for providing a fantasyland for an overworked Mom to escape.  Oh … and my Husband thanks you also 🙂

And to the one woman who encouraged me to make time for myself and read … My Sissy, @Celedon_Chic. You are my sunshine …

25 Things Blog

I love white women. Perhaps not the way a “Polo wearing, golf playing, sweater around the shoulders, country club membership” black dude loves white women, but I do have a great appreciation and respect for them. They are among the most cultured, sophisticated and politically savvy people in existence. I don’t think there’s anything they can’t do. I believe they come out of the womb knowing how to throw a good dinner party and give a solid BJ. And how can you not respect a woman who can do that?! Epic. Mad respect.

I’ve grown up in a predominantly white environment my entire life. Since the age of 10, I’ve lived in predominantly white neighborhoods, attended white schools (including college) and even went to a majority white church until I was 16.  Even my best friends (and still most cherished relationships) as a kid were white so needless to say, I felt pretty confident that I’ve been schooled in the thoughts and methods of this mythical creature. They are extremely loving, giving and when it comes to having a good time … you don’t know partying until you’ve experienced it with them. I have woken up with my false eyelashes on my bare naked foot after a night with one of my white GFs. Meanwhile, this heifer is fully dressed, making coffee and looking like she just stepped out of an issue of Sorority Girl Today. I’m thinking, “How does she do that?!?” Magic. It happens in the womb. You’d think white women were God’s chosen people instead of the Jews. Maybe He just likes them a whole lot. I dunno.  Oh, and don’t make her mad because she will go to work on you … and then she’ll go to work on you.  You’ll end up jobless, manless and bitter while she sips by the pool and thinks, “Pity. She should’ve quit while she was ahead.”  I’ve seen it happen.  My girls don’t play!

After years and years and several special relationships, I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about them … until this year. By popular demand, I read E. L. James’ infamous Fifty Shades of Grey series, which literally sent me down a rabbit hole chasing books in the same genre. Why? Because not only was I getting a glimpse into their sexual fantasies (something they NEVER discuss publically because it’s in very poor taste), but it’s as if I was catching an intimate glimpse of they’re inner thoughts about themselves, life and love. At first I started to discount it as a European thing because you know those folks have VERY evolved ideas around human sexuality; but, as I continued to find more and more authors like Beth Kery (one of my ABSOLUTE faves … no one is more deliciously dirty than my girl Beth), Sylvia Day, Sara Fawkes and Sylvain Reynard it was clear that this isn’t simply a foreign thing.  I mean … the Fifty Shades phenomenon has conservative American, sterling silver tea set, Martha’s Vineyard vacationing women reading erotica out in public.  Hell, I went to have my Mercedes routinely serviced a few weeks ago and THREE individual women were reading erotica right before my eyes in the waiting room! Wanna talk about mind blowing?! Consider my brain evaporated.

Upon further research of several different books, which my husband has thoroughly enjoyed, I began to see themes.  And after many glasses of wine with my Sissy @Celedon_Chic, it hit me.  By God, I believe I’ve learned at least 25 things about white women that hadn’t occurred to me before.  Some of the realizations were simple “oh yeah, that makes sense” thoughts.  Others were, “WOW. Really?!”  Even more astonishing, and perhaps a bit comforting, was that their desires and fantasies aren’t too different from my own.  Actually, they really are my own.

So … here are 25 Things I’ve Learned About White Women From Reading Erotica:

1. They love wealthy men.  Not rich. Wealthy.  I’m talking he must own part of a major metropolitan city, jets (plural), clubs (plural), small people and politicians.  It’s sort of like that old saying, “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets.” Well, that’s what my Anglo sisters fantasize about. An extremely wealthy man who is pleasing and very well behaved in public and gets VERY dirty at home … and in elevators … and pools … and boathouses … and boats … and … well, you get the picture.

2. While the man must be wealthy, they don’t like to feel like a gold digger.  It’s very important that he understands that his money is HIS money and they are not with him because of the money … even though it’s a required prerequisite.  Very peculiar.

3. Her man must be well equipped in the *ahem* pants areas. I’m talking long, strong, take a hit of a freshly rolled joint before recreation activity can begin.  She wants to see it and pause.  A good … long … pause.

4. Her man must be in pristine physical condition.  An Adonis.  A Greek god.  A literal deity in physical form.  So beautiful that he makes her feel a bit self conscious about her own appearance.

5. While the Adonis she is dating makes her feel self conscious about her appearance, she’s actually the perfect woman.  Perfect hair.  Perfect body.  Perfect … everything.  So perfect in fact that he’s never seen a woman like her that was able to turn his head AND keep his attention.

6. She and ONLY she beguiles her man. So much so that he can no longer see other women.  Can’t imagine what another woman could have that would be more intoxicating than what she provides.  So … basically her man doesn’t cheat.  Ever.  Why? Because she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and has platinum between her legs … even if she’s a virgin.  Mad. Respect.

7. She has confidence / self-esteem issues. She never feels pretty. She has to be reassured that she in fact is beautiful even though she just happens to be the most beautiful girl in the room.  Every man wants her.  Every woman wants to be her. And even though she has a PERFECT body, breasts and hair in EVERY book, she’s oblivious to the point. I don’t get that.  Hear me and hear me good, people.  I DON’T NEED NOBODY TO TELL ME THAT I’M THE HOTTEST THANG WALKING THIS PLANET. It’s nice when others notice, but please believe when you do notice, you’re catching on to something I already know. Ya heard me?

8. She likes to be dominated and yet assert her independence.  She likes when he’s aggressive in the bedroom and even outside to a certain extent, but when he crosses this invisible line in her head, all bets are off.  In my opinion, the dumbest arguments arise from this very issue.  It’s sticky to tell a man, “control me, but don’t control me.” But … I digress.

9. She loves the “F” word.  LOVES it.  Enough said.

10.She loves the “P” word.  It’s literally printed in Beth Kery’s Wicked Burn 64 times.  64 TIMES!  I counted on my Kindle reader app.  Now, maybe this is just a dirty little fantasy for my girl Beth, but I’ve literally read it in these books more than I’ve seen my own … *ahem* P.  I’m 33.  I’ve seen my own a healthy number of times.  Perhaps not more than the aesthetician that waxes me, but I’m aware of what’s going on down there.

11.She likes dirty talk. Ok … not dirty.  Filthy.  The filthier the better.  I’ve read things that have literally made ME blush (and smile wickedly).  Like … put the book down a moment and stare into space to let it sink in.  There is a scene in Sylvia Day’s Bared to You that literally … I mean … the things Gideon says and does to Eva sometimes just … woo child.

12. She’s into sex toys.  I’m talking things I’ve never even heard of and surely wouldn’t know what to do with if I came across it.  For that, Hubby and I would like to thank E.L. James and Google.

13.She is open to BDSM.  Don’t know what that is? I suggest Google.  I will say that some of the stuff I read sounds really painful.  Painful enough that I’d probably slap the whole sh*t out of my Hubby if he suggested it, or introduced it without permission but, it does make for an interesting read.

14.She loves classical or eclectic music while having sex. That’s only peculiar to me because I typically don’t associate sex with classical music.  It’s good music for reading or quiet meditation.  But sex??  I prefer a good rhythm and blues playlist. I need a man begging, or confessing his love, or confirming what’s about to go down in the room to a sexy guitar or an 808.  You know, stuff like that.  It’s just a preference.  Perhaps I need to look into a little Bach to get down with the get down.  *shrugs*

15.They have insatiable sexual appetites and don’t seem to ever get tired … or sore. I’m telling you, some of those times Christian climbed on Ana in Fifty Shades I would have had to tell him to find something else to do.  Surely with all the money that you have, there must be a hobby lurking around here that you can turn your attention to.  My precious needs to rest.  Please and thank you.

16.When venturing into unknown territory, like a salacious, toe-curling sexual relationship, someone she trusts must validate her feelings/decisions.  Typically a girlfriend or gay boyfriend.

17.Her friends are always her polar opposite.  If she’s quiet, awkward and demure (as she most often is in these stories), her friends/confidents are vivacious, brave and unbridled.

18.She loves her mother, but often make drastically different life choices.  And, generally in the stories I read, she’s always a daddy’s girl.  THIS I love.

19.She loves a man who can speak without speaking.  He speaks with his eyes, with his hands and with his body.  WHOLE conversations are happening in these fantasies and very few words are spoken.  Lots of “ohs”, “ahs” , “shhh” and “please”, but not much more.

20.She is fixated on a sexy head of hair. Nothing like when her guy runs his hands through a perfect head of hair in frustration or as a prerequisite to some dirty interlude.  Either way, it drives her wild!

21.Having sex with a complete stranger isn’t always just a wild fantasy. Of course this could simply be Beth Kery’s fantasy, but this theme exists in many books. Perhaps not a complete stranger, but it doesn’t take several dates to get into her pants. No judgment. Just an observation. I went to college. I understand how this can happen. Again, Europeans are light-years ahead of the US when it comes to sexual themes and sexual choices. I consider American white women the new age, worldly woman of the States.

22.She is often betrayed by her own genitalia. When a man controls her body, there is always an instantaneous pull and/or reaction in the groin area. Think Ana/Christian in Fifty Shades or Eva/Gideon in Bared to You. How often does she feel that “familiar pull” down nether which betrays what she actually wants to do? She wants to talk or leave or fight, but with one look from him she is rendered unable to make the choice her mind wants. OR did she really just get what she actually wanted all along?!? These women are Jedi masters. Who knows?

23.She has a great career with endless possibilities. She’s a Dante scholar-to-be studying at Harvard, an Art Historian / Curator at the Chicago Metro Museums of Fine Art, Book Editor for up and coming publishing house. The list goes on and on.

24.When participating in a life altering, sexual / love relationship, she constantly doubts the viability of it.  It’s not enough that he’s perfect, she’s perfect and they both live in perfect worlds.  No, something is going to tear it ALL apart at any moment.  Something is going to stop her from having this dream life that she doesn’t deserve.  Yeah … she can get real Harlequin Romance / Scarlett Ohara on ya on a moment’s notice.

25.There appears to be very few pops of “color” in her world … outside of her wardrobe.  *side eye glance*

Every point doesn’t apply to EVERY woman.  These are simply themes that are heavily present in EVERY book I’ve read. Perhaps it simply makes for good reading.  BUT … it does make one think.  If ALL of these stories carry the same theme and the erotic genre is gaining popularity, wouldn’t that say that these ideas and fantasies are present in a majority of white women?  Yes!  And while I’ve enjoyed erotica featuring black stories from authors like Zane and Eric Jerome Dickey, I must say it’s been interesting to take a peek behind the veil of my Anglo sisters.  Very interesting, indeed.

Laters baby (and happy reading), AskThePRGirl