Whore
by asktheprgirl
Let me start by saying I struggled with this entry for a few reasons. For one, I didn’t know what to call it. I juggled with “The Gray Area” and “Glass Houses”. I even thought I might simply call it “Scandal” since that was my inspiration, but I settled on what inflamed me and pushed me to write. I also struggled because I don’t want to come off too … too … “preachy”. One of the reasons I blog is because I want YOU, my beloved readers, to take a look at the other side of the line. We often draw them in our lives most times without even knowing it. But our ability to stretch ourselves to see the other side, to try to understand the common denominator in this human experience is really what helps us to grow. I never want to push my own agenda down your throat. I simply want you to take a moment and consider things differently. And so I struggled. Because I do feel preachy and vehemently on one side of this issue, but my hope is that you hear my point and simply consider it. That’s all.
Over the past two years, much like the rest of the world, I have become obsessed with Shonda Rhimes’ new hit television series, Scandal. Thursdays literally can’t come around fast enough in my home. We count down the days until it arrives with day-after-day commentary on what Shonda’s gonna do next! Not to mention the social media conversations we’re involved in. When I say “obsessed” I mean this show has completely eclipsed all other television experiences in my world. It’s beautifully scripted and has such a smart cast that weekly turn in amazeball performances. I’m coo coo for cocoa puffs over Scandal!
Every day I participate in email banter with a few friends from college. It’s our way of getting through the workday, catching up on each other’s lives and discussing entertainment hot topics. Recently, Scandal was the topic of conversation and I was shocked to silence by the commentary. My email buddies (both male and female) were joking around about the salacious relationship between Olivia Pope (the series main character) and her love interest Fitz (the very married President of the United States). They traded comments back and forth about Olivia and discussed her behavior. They made fun of the fact that she was sleeping with another woman’s husband. They casually called her “H-Olivia”. Fitz was championed as some kind of eighth wonder of the world. A stud. A pimp. A man whose actions commissioned virtual hi-fives and “you da man” kudos. Olivia was simply a whore.
I read it and was still. I hate that word (and I don’t use the word hate lightly). I detest the ease in which the label is used to too easily summarize a woman’s sexual choices when they conflict with some abstract, antiquated view that you learned during a f*cking after school special in 1982. I hate the way a woman’s sexual choices are scrutinized to the point that if she isn’t living the life of a nun, she’s automatically the antithesis. No ifs, ands or buts. No gray area. Just an automatic assessment that if a woman sleeps with the wrong person, she’s a whore. A freaking whore, people?!
I abhor it. I can’t stand it. It. Makes. Me. MAD. Can you tell?
I’m not sure most people even know the actual definition of the word. I believe we have replaced it’s original meaning with our own colorful, societally enhanced, MTV infused version. So, let’s define it. How does good old Merriam-Webster define the term “whore”?
Definition of WHORE
1: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money: prostitute; also : a promiscuous (composed of all sorts of persons or things; not restricted to one class, sort, or person; not restricted to one sexual partner) or immoral woman
2: a male who engages in sexual acts for money
3: a venal (capable of being bought or obtained for money or other valuable consideration): purchasable; especially : open to corrupt influence and especially bribery) or unscrupulous person
So … considering her actions, and even more important, the context in the situation, does Olivia truly fit this label?
Listen, I’m no feminist. This isn’t my virtual method of holding color posters and chanting on the corner of my state capitol building to bring awareness for this particular women’s right issue; however, the quickest way to cook my grits is to haphazardly label a woman a whore because you don’t agree with her life choices. We live in a highly sexualized, reality-television driven, morally void, buffoonery-rampant world where people clap and laugh about things that should drive us to shock and awe every day. How is it that in all of the crazy that has clearly desensitized our value system we are still able to look at a clearly complicated relationship situation and simply deduce that the woman, NOT THE PAIR ONLY THE WOMAN, involved is a whore?!
Here’s the thing. I don’t agree with Olivia’s choice to sleep with Fitz. Let me repeat for those of you loosely holding the Bible you defy daily, “I DO NOT AGREE WITH OLIVIA’S CHOICE TO CARRY ON AN AFFAIR WITH A CLEARLY MARRIED MAN.” Did you hear me? Okay … moving on. I also do not believe her choice to sleep with him makes her a whore. In my opinion, her choice says more about her self worth than her morals. She doesn’t see that she deserves to be someone’s one and only. She doesn’t see that there should never be a choice between her and someone else. She doesn’t see that she is worth more than a brief moment by the window, a quiet moment in the hallway, a glance when no one’s looking and heavy breathing over the phone at night. She doesn’t see it. She just doesn’t.
And can you blame her?
How many of you have listened EVERY time a man lied to you and slept with him anyway? How many of you allowed him to pick that fight with you knowing good and damn well he was going to carry his ass to the next woman’s house THAT NIGHT? How many times have you told yourself that the relationship would get better? How many times have you allowed yourself to be disappointed even though everything in your being is telling you to walk away? How many lies have you told yourself to keep believing? What did he tell you to get you to come back? What did he say to make you think things would be different? How did you square it with your soul knowing NOTHING would change? What did you tell yourself so that you could sleep at night? Remember when you pulled out that sad ass R&B album and put Tamia’s “Officially Missing You” on repeat feeling like the ONLY thing that could right the wrong of his absence is his voice … his touch … his presence? How many tears have your cried? How many times have YOU spread eagle hoping your “sweet stuff” would be the cherry on your “I’m about to land this man” sundae? How many people have you slept with? How many secret conversations or flirtations have you participated in because someone at the office or in the Starbucks line is giving attention that your husband or significant other has long stopped giving? How many times have you batted your eyelashes to get out of a ticket, get an extra dollop of whip cream on your iced mocha or conjure a free cocktail while out at the club? How many times have you laid down and given your body to someone you KNOW is not your forever?
Someone unworthy of you …
Someone who knew just the right thing to say …
Someone who somehow speaks to that place deep inside that no one else can reach …
Someone that makes you forget …
Someone that makes you forgive …
Someone who silences your subconscious …
Someone whose force is bigger than anything and everything your soul has ever connected with …
Even. Though. It’s. Wrong.
He or she among you without sin, please step forward and throw the first stone.
I’m not going to lie to you. If I were Olivia and was in love with Fitz and he’s saying all of the right things and I’m feeling this incredible, soul stirring level of emotion that no other person has been able to commission in my being, I can’t lie and say that my choice would be different from hers. I’d be wrong. Completely morally wrong. But I can’t say that I’d be strong enough to walk away and seek my worth given the circumstances.
Years ago I was in a relationship that was much like Olivia’s relationship with Fitz if you take away his devastatingly good looks, his position of power, his swag and … his wife. I loved this man. I would do anything for him. For me, matters were complicated even further because he was my first … everything. The first man I gave my heart, soul and body to. What I received in return was lies and complications. Things between us would be SO good until they were almost unbearably bad. And they were bad ALL the time. But, I loved him. He could have told me the sky was purple and I would’ve fought anybody who told me he was crazy. I knew he was no good for me. He cheated on me repeatedly and would create fights to make his indiscretions my fault. Somewhere in my mind, I knew he was no good for me, but I couldn’t find the strength to leave him. I was worried that he’d “straighten up and fly right” (as my Grandma would say) with the next woman. I was afraid that he was all I deserved.
One night I literally sank to my knees in the shower and prayed while sobbing. I told God that if He didn’t show me the path to leave, that I would never go. I wasn’t capable of choosing what was right. I prayed that He would give me the wisdom to see (and seek) my true worth. I prayed that He would send me the “forever guy” and give me the wisdom to identify him. Two weeks later, I met my husband … and thankfully, I was strong enough to let go of my reckless past.
I bare that part of my soul because it’s important to understand that the “gray” area in life is real and common. I know we like to believe the covenant of marriage makes it very black and white, but sadly it doesn’t. And it’s presence (i.e. marriage) certainly doesn’t make “the other woman” involved a whore. Adulterous. Yes. Immoral. Yes. Absent of self worth? Definitely. A whore?! GTFOH.
Again, my goal is to simply share that it’s never THAT simple. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t clear lines of right and wrong, but the circumstances should move you to compassion not a hollow and cruel dismissal.
Seriously … considering the points I’ve made … and your own experiences … are you a whore? Hmm … it’s probably not that simple, is it?
All the best, AskThePRGirl
Thank you AskThePRGirl for your candid and very transparent commentary. It’s sad that even in the 21st century, our culture continues to demoralize women while “high-fiving” a man for the very same behavior.
As you well noted from the Bible, when “two” were found committing adultery, it was the woman…and only the woman…. that was presented before Christ for stoning. Thankfully, Christ who was the only person there without sin chose to love her and not throw a stone. And then said the most empowering thing that this woman had probably heard…”Go and sin no more”. She probably was so lost in her pattern that she figured all were doing this type of act..or someone did it to her so why not…or her worth/value of self was so low….that no one cared enough to bother…that at least during that moment she was with one person… for even that small moment was who was giving her something she could feel.
And then Christ said…”go and sin no more”. This short empowering statement reminded her that the choice and power to choose was hers….and her’s alone.
Man! don’t mean to be deep but it’s all summed up with…”I place before you life and death…curses and blessing…choose life, so that you and your descendants can live” (Deut 30:19). We each retain the POWER of choice…and that choice extends to generations to come.
Many thanks again for the reminder that no one walks this journey of life without some mishap, mistakes, and/or misfortune. Let us not forget that we can choose to extend some mercy…to our misguided sisters and brothers.
-A-
Dr. A
Well obviously no one paid attention to Olivia’s comments in the hospital and in the Oval Office. I think she realized what she deserved after the closet, his words hurt her and the action made her feel like a whore. Which is what she told him in the hospital. He has told her that she is the love of his life and in the Oval Office she told him to earn her, which meant prove how much I mean to you and he did, he chose her.
Did we also miss the point that we finally learned that Mellie and Fitz were bought and sold and made to get married. Their parents whored them out . Fitz explained and apologized to Mellie for letting the farce last so long. So, is Olivia a whore? Shouldn’t your argument be Mellie is a whore too and Fitz, since money and power was actually changed there.
I don’t advocate adultery, but there is no marriage for Mellie and Fitz and he’s been trying to be with Olivia . The question is why won’t Olivia let him do that. They are each others true love but the fruition of that love is not ideal.
My argument is to abolish use of the word and don’t be so quick to use the label when there is clearly much context to consider. Read my words carefully. Make no assumptions. You’ll find that the argument you made is directly in line with my own.
Thx for reading. AskThePRGirl
Excellent analysis to the post. I agree with you. We should beware that this is not a perfect world. And the fact that someone is married does not exactly equate with happiness, love, devotion and loyalty. Why should someone stay in a marriage and is not happy and have to lie about the fact that they are? Should they not divorce and be truthful to themselves and live in their truth. As humans we cannot understand the full meaning of love, because it comes from God. What we should is try our best to live in our truth as it relates to what God expects from us.
Selah. 🙂
Thank you for reading. AskThePRGirl
Olivia is what I like about Shonda’s character development. At the beginning of the series you see Olivia as a person that has distinct ideas about right and wrong and that still carries through. This however does not translate into her personal life. Her personal life is full of emotional chaos that she tries to shield from all the people that she “saved”. Maybe Shonda will get into the reasons why a woman accepts a relationship that she knows is wrong; I do believe Olivia knows deep down but is not ready to face it; and how she gets out of it.
Agreed. I love O’s vulnerability and her transparency. Its interesting to see that someone so good at her job is so internally chaotic … but at the same time … it makes so mucb sense.
Thx for reading! AskThePRGirl
Yes, it does. Love it. Keep up the posts!
Well written Ms. AskThePRGirl. No way Olivia is a whore, nor can I condemn her. There is much, much gray in the world. By the way, in my book if Olivia is a whore, Fitz is a whore. Whether a woman does it or a man – same difference. I don’t see that Olivia’s choice to be with Fitz has anything to do with self worth. The story line, I think, is that Fitz has loved Olivia from the moment they met. And yes, getting to their first time was the BEST foreplay I have ever seen, heard of, witnessed and/or been a part of. I do think Olivia’s sees clear and well that she should have her own man and not share Mellie’s – awww but attraction and love are powerful things.
If we are to believe Fitz and the emotions he displayed, he loves Liv. Loves her. That to me is a little different than some guy just banging her on the side, notching his belt and the emotions that go with that. This is an individual decision. Yes, I was raised religiously but there will be no fire, brimstone, stone throwing from me or whore calling of either Fitz or Olivia. And in the final episode, Liv made her choice, White Hats Back On, and she made the best choice for herself, Fitz, Mellie and her fellow Gladiators at OPA. Sometimes it’s not about what you want but what is best for the greater good. Now that was noble and mature. That was thinking. That was reasoning out the best solution and setting emotions and “wants” aside. Now, of course, all bets are off for Season 3 but hey that is what makes Scandal so delicious and compelling – the viewer has to think. What is acceptable, what is not, when is it ever acceptable – if ever? And the emmy for writing goes to the Scandal Writers. Thanks alot Scandal Writers, thanks alot.
My two cents: 1) Some women won’t/don’t support other women. That’s a whole other story though, right? Therefore, calling one a “whore” is the way to tear her down so the name thrower can feel lifted up. 2) Societal ways of old fostered the “woman are second best” culture and despite many successes on women’s equality it, unfortunately, continues. Thus, whether used correctly or not, right or wrong, men and women will still hurl “whore” today, tomorrow & possibly forever.
Conversations such as the one your blog has created is a great means to discuss, shape and bring about change.
As to the biblical references, I am a Christian and wholeheartedly believe but like Trixie’s response, there will be no fire, brimstone or stone throwing coming from me either. Fitz is someone that I may would have dropped my panties for so I guess I’d be considered in the “w” category too per some opinions.
Scandal defines the essential “Politics, Lust, Power”. Rarely does love ever get to be a real side of it so it’s interesting to see how this love they genuinely have for each other plays out. As for my Scandal addiction, it evokes a range of emotions in that I try to analyze, cry, laugh, scratch my head, yell, stay silent, go #overacliff crazy, etc. Shonda, the writers, cast & crew are top notch in bringing this show and story lines to life.
I’ll be back in my recliner on Thursday nights in September ready to ride the roller coaster again.
Roflmao!!!! Yes!!! You are so right. Glad to see that my diagnosis of the issue is well received and in good company.
Thx for reading! AskThePRGirl
Thanks for this. Just had this conversation with my 15 yo son last week. He told me of derogatory remarks he made to a friend about a girl in his class. After taking a deep breath We had a walk and talk (aka windshield time in the car in Atlanta traffic where he’s a captive audience ) about the subject. Where did this come from? As a single mom I never let men I date come into my home or develop relationships with my son unless I have reason to think its a serious long lasting situation. Would he consider me this way?
Why didn’t he say negative things about the boys involved? Why would he assume the comments were true? He didn’t have an answer or a reason. Again the stereotype was apparent. Male machismo and the girl is labeled as ‘dirty, loose, thirsty…a whore”. I clearly explained to him that they all will likely be whores by he end of college. More importantly, a gentleman wouldn’t share details of a ‘conquest’ or manipulate emotional girls into sexual acts. I’ve got work to do in my home!
The conversation you’re having with him is so important. I applaud you. So many would sweep it under the rug and chuck it up to “just kids”. You’re amazing. You know that right?! Simply amazing. I pray God bless your words and open your son’s spirit to always receive them. Thx for reading … and for sharing with me. I tip my hat to you oh mighty single mother. I’m blessed to hear your experience.
All the best, AskThePRGirl